I'm trying to help with homework but I can't focus either

What to do right now

Two ADHD brains trying to do homework together is a structurally hard task. Your executive function is being asked to scaffold theirs while your own attention drifts. Sit side by side rather than facing. Do your own focused task while they do theirs. Body-doubling works better than active helping when both brains are struggling.

What your brain just did

Your body

You sat down to help and your own focus drifted. The frustration of not being able to scaffold your child when you cannot scaffold yourself is specific and painful.

Your brain

Helping with homework requires sustained attention, patience, explanation skills, and emotional regulation. Every one of these is a prefrontal cortex function. Your ADHD prefrontal cortex is operating at the same reduced capacity as your child's. Two depleted systems trying to support each other.

What this did

Body-doubling works better than active teaching when both brains are struggling. Sit side by side, each doing your own task. Your physical presence provides regulation without requiring your executive function to carry their work.

What your child is experiencing

Their body

They can see you struggling to help them. Your frustration is visible. They may feel responsible for your difficulty, which adds shame to an already hard task.

Their brain

Watching a parent struggle to explain something activates the child's rejection sensitivity. They may interpret your frustration as evidence that they are too hard to help. The shame makes the homework even harder.

What they need

Side-by-side, not face-to-face. Your calm presence is more useful than your explanation. If the teaching is not working, stop. 'Let's leave this and come back to it.' A fresh attempt is better than a frustrated one.