One of us stays calm and the other one escalates

What to do right now

One parent stays regulated while the other escalates. The calm parent feels superior. The escalating parent feels judged. Both positions are corrosive. The calm parent is not better. They may have more regulatory capacity left, or fewer triggers, or less time with the child. The escalating parent is not worse. They may be more depleted, more triggered, or carrying more of the daily load. Discuss it later without scorekeeping.

What your brain just did

Your body

One of you stayed calm. The other did not. The calm one feels righteous. The escalating one feels judged.

Your brain

Regulatory capacity varies based on depletion, trigger history, and time spent with the child. The calm parent may simply have more left. The escalating parent may carry more of the daily load.

What this did

Discuss it later without scorekeeping. 'What do you need from me when you are getting activated?' is more useful than 'Why did you yell?'