I'm secretly relieved when they're at school and I hate myself for it

What to do right now

The relief is not a sign that you do not love them. It is a sign that your nervous system is under sustained, chronic demand and the break is physiologically necessary. Every caregiver needs relief. The guilt is lying to you about what the relief means. It means you are human, running a harder-than-average version of parenting, and your body knows it.

What your brain just did

Your body

The relief is physical. Your body relaxes when the demand stops. The guilt arrives immediately after, telling you the relief is wrong.

Your brain

Chronic caregiver stress depletes the same neurological resources that ADHD already provides less of. The relief you feel at a break is your nervous system recovering. This is not optional. It is physiological.

What this did

The guilt is lying about what the relief means. It does not mean you do not love them. It means your nervous system has been running at unsustainable load and the break is medicine, not abandonment.