I gave my other kid less because this one needed everything

What to do right now

The other child got the leftover version of you again. The ADHD child's needs are louder, more urgent, more visible. The quiet child learned to be quiet because it was the only way to get any attention at all. Notice this. You cannot fix it tonight but you can give the quiet one ten minutes of undivided attention. Ten minutes where they are not the afterthought.

What your brain just did

Your body

The guilt about the other child is a dull ache that never fully goes away. You can see the pattern and feel powerless to change it.

Your brain

Attention is a finite resource. The ADHD child's needs are louder, more urgent, and more visible. The neurotypical sibling adapts by becoming quieter and more self-sufficient, which reduces the signal to you that they need you.

What this did

Ten minutes of undivided attention. Regularly. Where they are the only focus. Not a grand gesture. A reliable, small, predictable deposit in a relationship that has been running on leftovers.