I cannot tell if I am being too soft or too harsh

What to do right now

Too soft means they never learn. Too harsh means you damage the relationship. The middle ground feels impossible because it changes every day depending on their regulation, your regulation, the time of day, and whether anyone has eaten. You are not too soft or too harsh. You are making hundreds of micro-decisions with imperfect information and a depleted brain. Pick the one that protects the relationship today.

What your brain just did

Your body

The uncertainty is constant. Every decision about boundaries, consequences, and accommodation feels like a test you might be failing.

Your brain

ADHD parenting requires hundreds of micro-decisions per day about where to hold and where to flex. Each decision uses executive function. The uncertainty amplifies the cognitive load because there is no reliable formula. What works Monday fails Wednesday.

What this did

The middle ground is not a fixed point. It moves. Being too soft one day and too harsh the next is not inconsistency. It is a human being doing their best with variable resources. Pick the option that protects the relationship.