People keep telling me to be firmer and I want to scream

What to do right now

The person telling you to be firmer does not live inside your house at 6pm when the medication has worn off and three demands are competing for the same executive function. Firmness works when the child can process the boundary. ADHD brains under stress cannot process boundaries. They process threat. You are not failing to be firm. You are choosing not to escalate a nervous system that is already at capacity.

What your brain just did

Your body

Another person who does not live your life told you what your child needs. The advice landed on your rejection sensitivity and activated both shame and rage.

Your brain

External parenting advice triggers an ADHD parent's rejection sensitivity because it implies the current approach is wrong. The advice-giver cannot see the invisible context: the medication timing, the sensory profile, the morning that preceded this moment, the fourteen other strategies you tried before this one.

What this did

You do not owe anyone an explanation. 'We are working with professionals on this' is a complete response. The people inside your house know what your child needs. The people outside it are guessing.