We cannot talk about parenting without both getting defensive
ADHD parent behaviour
Sustained parenting stress makes both partners hypervigilant to criticism, so each conversation starts with both nervous systems already in defensive mode, before the topic is even raised. The topic is too hot to handle when you are both depleted. So schedule it instead: 'Saturday morning, coffee, fifteen minutes, one topic.' Remove the spontaneous ambush conversations that happen at 10pm, when neither of you has anything left to bring to it.
What to do right now
Every conversation about the kids becomes a fight. You are both defensive because you are both exhausted and you both feel criticised. The topic is too hot to discuss when you are both depleted. Schedule it. Literally. 'Saturday morning, coffee, fifteen minutes, one topic.' Remove the spontaneous ambush conversations that happen at 10pm when neither of you has anything left.
What your brain just did
Your body
Every parenting conversation becomes a fight. You are both defensive before the topic is even raised.
Your brain
Sustained parenting stress makes both partners hypervigilant to criticism. Each conversation begins with both nervous systems in defensive mode.
What this did
Schedule the conversation. Saturday morning, coffee, one topic, fifteen minutes. Remove the ambush conversations that happen at 10pm when neither of you has anything left.